I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
