Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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