I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im holly from the hills drunk
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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