Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
