why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wear drunk well.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
