I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
