I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
