we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
