Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are the jesus of drinking
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
