You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
