Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
