I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
