Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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