I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
