so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
