I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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