you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
