im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My life is pants optional.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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