I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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