the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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