she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
