Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
