The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
