I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
