I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
