I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
