I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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