how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
