the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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