My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Couch. On fire.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
