Where did you get a picture of my penis
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
