She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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