Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
