we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
