What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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