dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
