whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
