seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
