Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
