I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Help. Why am I so naked?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
