Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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