if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
