Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
