man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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