apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
home. puking in laundry basket.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
