i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
