my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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