just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
