two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
