my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
